Woke up an optimist – and it’s not because Kanye said so. In a perfect world, everything would always go according to plan, from relationships, friendships to our careers and everything else in between. But of course, as life does, it can totally mess with your head and what’s truly important. Yesterday I found out I didn’t make it through to Stylist’s #FiestaStylista competition and as much as I want to say that I remained 100% positive, I really didn’t, but I want to talk about why that’s ok.
To have suffered from anxiety at some point in our lives basically means you are human. Not all anxiety is created equal — it manifests in a range of ways, and as a result, can impact us all differently. For me, my anxiety comes in many different forms but the loudest likes to remind me that I’m just not good enough, nor ever will be. Most days I can choose not to listen to the voice (oh dear, really sounding crazy now) but sometimes it’s too strong not to. Yesterday was one of those days.
Normally I don’t do competitions. I’m an extremely competitive person and not entirely because I’m a sore loser (well, maybe just a little) but more the fact that like many people, no one can put me down as well as I can. After I found out the news, all my incredible friends and family rallied round to let me know how awesome I was, how great an opportunity it is and how there is so much that could come from it. Every single word of that is true, but yesterday, I just couldn’t feel it myself and man did I feel guilty. It’s hard to surrender to the dark side, but I feel what works for me is to give in, just for a day, only to come back stronger tomorrow.
Polo – Topshop, Watch – Caravelle, Shoes – Debenhams
This morning I woke up feeling incredibly lucky to have got to the place I did. I was the only Scottish finalist, I gave some fantastic local design an incredible platform, raised my profile and met some ridiculously nice people along the way. I did a photoshoot with a renowned photographer that literally stopped traffic while shooting with me, stayed in a private muse house in the centre of London and saw myself make the centerfold of the UK’s biggest Fashion Magazine. It really wasn’t that I was feeling ungrateful, it was more I was just gutted for it all to be over outwith my control.
While it’s easy for us all to get hung up on whatever it is that has us bummed, once these things happen it isn’t actually the fact that gets us down, but present interpretation of what happened that hurts the most. I had started the prep for the next stage, getting excited as I saw my outfits coming together and visualizing the final as if I could touch it. I just needed to cut myself a break, have a night in with trash TV and allow myself to feel shitty. I put a lot of love, time and energy into it, so of course it’s only natural to be upset. Today, I’m all about the future. Patting myself on the back for going out of my own comfort zone and putting myself out there in the first place. Over 2,500 people think my look is pretty kick ass, so I need to believe in myself as much as they do. We all have our bad days, we just need to not let them define who we are or where we want to be.
Scarf & Waistcoat – Aymee Charlton, Trousers – H&M, Shoes – Vintage,
Polo – Primark, Jewellery – John & Pearl
I’m waaay far behind on the voting stakes, but if you would still like to vote for my Boho look, you can do so via the fiestastylista.co.uk website. Even though I didn’t get through, I’ll treasure the whole experience. After all, what’s for us can never go passed us, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger and – most importantly – if you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?! Can I get an AMEN?! Thanks again to everyone for being so supportive of my adventure, it only makes me excited about what’s to come.